It’s the pits

It’s been a long long time I have felt this defeated. I feel well and truly licked, totally out of it, completely overwhelmed and just plain pants. I can muster a smile and carry on conversations, but at various intervals in the day, I just want to burst into tears and curl up into a ball in a dark room somewhere, with “do not disturb” plastered all over the door.

Usually, when I feel this way, I get some comfort from the fact that its hormones, it’s a cyclical thing and it will pass as soon as nature takes its course, but it doesn’t seem like it this time and there have been no weird and wacky happenings to testify the goodness and kindness and generosity of the universe.  Boo hiss at it all.

It must be emotional fatigue, I need a break and I haven’t had one in a long time; I need a change, a really good belly laugh and not just for a couple hours. I need for the future to look bright, more bearable even; I need more stability, more security but is that asking for a lot?

My mom recently said recounted what she was told by some doctor; he said that whilst the human body can survive a week without food, 3 days without water, 3 minutes, or something like that without air, it can only muster a few seconds without hope. This makes sense because how can you live if there is nothing to live for? I suppose this is why suicide victims take that leap, literarily. The cynic in me thinks that there are few people who are totally hopeless but for the majority of us, hope is dangled in front of us, just to keep us alive until the poor human body physically gives up or we realise indeed that we are never going to touch that bright light that shimmers ever so slightly out of our reach. This is all very positive for a lovely spring afternoon. I sigh!

Lose a pair, gain a pair

Last summer, or two summers ago, I joined the crowds of sun worshipers and got myself a couple of sunglasses; they were the kinds of glasses that everyone else was wearing and I got a pretty decent deal for two pairs instead of a single one, I could interchange them I thought, two is always better than one isn’t it. As it turns out, I didn’t interchange them much, I wore only one of the pairs; it happened to be the convenient to do, and it served me well, not just in the summer either, the winter sun can also be quite harsh.

As the summer wore on, so did the reasonably priced accessory and it soon fell apart. Shame that, I was getting really used to it. Where is the other pair I wondered, I searched everywhere, all the places I thought I would leave a pair of glasses. It didn’t help that I had moved over the summer and most things were not where they should be.  I eventually resigned myself to get another pair, or two, the days were getting longer and the sun was out in force.

I have a pair of hair pins I use in my hair on bad hair days which is practically every day, I leave them on my dresser with the rest of my cosmetics but this day, I could not find them anywhere. The kids are often in my room and my younger son is like a magpie, anything shiny and/or metallic gets taken away in his beak to his nest of wonders. I’d ask him if he took them but he was at school and I needed them now. I concluded that the hair pins will eventually show up but to solve the problem at hand, I decided I would get another pair from the bunch the original pair came from.

I opened the top draw looking for the rest of the bobbins, what’s in the grey plastic bag I wonder, I picked it up and dipped into it and surprise, surprise, the second pair of glasses were pulled out. They were still brand new as I hadn’t worn them since the day they were bought. Fancy that I thought, just when I least expected it, a brand new pair of decent looking sunglasses! And it was perfect timing too as it was a brilliantly sunny day. I also found the extra pair of hair pins I was looking for, result.

On the brink

It just seems that everything is just about to happen, but it isn’t happening just quite yet. On all fronts, there seems to be a tentative pause; it’s like a bit of a tease, so close but yet, not quite there. It is truly frustrating. Is it better than a pregnant pause I wonder? Rather than a restless feeling, it’s more a numbness which I think I actually prefer because it is generally calmer. This I take it is another lesson in patience, one I am exhaustively fed up of!

Thankfully, when all else fails, I have my music to soothe me. I would really rather have my solitude but that is one more thing on the brink and not quite all there, not yet though I can but taste it.