My Bright Red Jacket

It was a birthday present from my siblings, it is an autumn coat and so suitably red. I very rarely wear it because I think it is just a tad too big unless it is covering bulky sweaters, and it rarely does. Also, it is a bit on the smart side and since I never seem to go anywhere smart, there hasn’t been much need to wear it. On the odd occasion I do wear it, I always tend to get compliments on it, on how much the colour suits me. Perhaps it softens me somewhat, I am not sure but I am convinced that it makes me seem easy prey for others. I always get picked on when I wear it, or should I say that when I look back, every time I have a weird falling out with a complete stranger, I always happen to be wearing the said red jacket. There was actually I time that I didn’t wear it for a long time after a horrible falling out with a bus driver that decided to take the piss with me – long story for another day.

I am a big fan of Scrubs and there was an episode where the janitor bellyached about a new uniform so severely that the chief of medicine decided to repay him for his torment. So he went and did some homework and investigated the effect of colours on the wearer and the observer and decided then to get the janitor a baby blue outfit, which softened him considerably and opened him, not to abuse in the normal sense, the janitor was far from normal, but it made him so much more approachable and this for the janitor was abuse! Whereas, the chief of staff gave the hospital lawyer a red tie which made people want to hit him, and hit him they did.

Hysterics aside, this got me thinking, perhaps the red flags up something in observers that both angers them and softens me at the same time, opening me to all sort of encounters that don’t seem to happen when I am in my usual black winter coat. Or maybe I have selective memory, or perhaps, because it is an autumn coat, I wear it in the autumn where everyone is just about getting grumpy about the end of (yet another cold and wet) summer, who knows. It is due a dry clean anyway, this would make it even brighter than it is now; I wonder if that will work for or against me. 

So Near But Yet So Far

I am sure I have talked about feeling it in my bones, with my very being, that something in particular is going to be alright, I know it will be. Even in the face of adversity, when it looked like it wasn’t going to happen, something in me would not let go of the belief that this is the one, this is the right thing. After all that is said and done, this will work. As with my optimism, I have no control over it. It is like a burning desire. I know I can get carried away quite easily but I am also very luckily for me, a realist, which means that there is always a niggling doubt at the back of my mind highlighting everything that can go wrong. For some reason, this niggling doubt has been completely drowned out and everything seems to be pointing in the same direction.

But the doubts are there, they are external but they are there and I cannot ignore them.  This is why even though I can actually taste it, it is still so far and I am in abject torment. I am not very good at dealing with conflict such as this, I guess it is my low pain threshold; I shut it out and hope it works itself out – a bit of an ostrich in that respect, but only when I am overwhelmed. I am now. All I need is a lead, and Ill grab it and run with it so fast so quick, I MAKE it work.

But for now, I will not fight my optimism; I’ll let it take control and hope it continues to drown out doubt. There are some sacrifices to be made now, and even with those sacrifices, which will ultimately determine the success of this venture, I am still so sure I am doing the right thing. It is a big gamble but one that if it pays off, all this torment will seem so trivial. I really hope it does. So, in keeping with my mantra for the year so far without reservation, it will be well, it will be well.