sigh!

Just reading through my old posts has cheered me up a bit, just a tiny bit, not by miles but I don’t feel as downhearted as I did this morning. Perhaps I should have just written as I felt instead of reviewing my old posts, I am sure the outcome would have been very different. I wasn’t looking for inspiration from my old post, in fact, I didn’t realise how cheery they are until I read them today through gloomy eyes; I was simply trying to navigate the constantly changing blog site.

It doesn’t help that I am aching all over, as a result of an impending cold/man flu, or maybe it is as a result of sharing my bed with my two growing sons, who are the worst bedfellows in the world; I spend all night getting them off me, recovering the covers and generally not getting a lot of sleep. I am also nursing a sore throat. Since I have a very low pain threshold , I don’t do very well when I am ill, coupled with the really crappy last few days I have had and the cold grey and muddy weather, I feel pretty sh*t and that is putting it lightly.

I was going to spew negative, self pitying sentiments but I don’t feel as pathetic as I did earlier. This is partly as a result of watching a bit of tennis, the only sport I can get stuck into and it always brings out the cheerleader (or tennis thug maybe) in me. All the fist pumping and screaming, coupled with a very serious juvenile crush on one of the leading men, I was as right as rain before even embarking on anything remotely melancholic. But I will try none the less because I have had this idea stuck in my head for a while now.

I had seen a Hollywood movie the other day with the kids; I mention it is Hollywood because not a lot of religious material comes from that direction. To be fair, it was meant to be one of these inspirational things but was deeply rooted in the Christian beliefs and quoted a particular scripture from the bible. I suppose Hollywood would produce anything if it meant somebody somewhere stood to gain something out of it, and so far, or at least at the time the movie was made, it wasn’t (yet) politically incorrect.

The movie involved the main character saying a seemingly simple prayer one night after gentle ribbing from his wife; and who knew, God was listening. The very next day, the answer to his prayer started in full force. I say started as it was not answered straight away; it has to make sense to the requester I suppose and since an immediate response would go largely unnoticed, it has to work itself out. First lesson here is that nothing good comes easy.

A series of events followed that left the poor main character desperately confused. And when he eventually got to grips with everything that was happening, he was completely out of sync with his friends, family, employers and co workers. Confusion ensued as is to be expected with these things to mostly comedic effects.

The part that got to me was where the wife of the leading character had had enough of his bizarre behaviour and decided to take the kids to her mom while her bewildered hubby tried to sort himself out. On their way, they stopped at a diner for lunch and while there, she met with God, who her husband was now in regular contact with. It may have been far easier for God to tell her exactly what was going on, but perhaps she would not have believed him, instead, he asked her what was wrong and emphasised with her. He told her if she prayed to be closer as a family, how did she think God would answer her prayer, certainly not in the way she expected. Isn’t it more likely the family would go through something together that would bring them closer together? At this, she turned the car around and took the kids back home to start being the closer family unit that they had now become as a result of recent events

All the confusion was a means to an end, and the end for these characters was that all their prayers were answered (note: none of them prayed for material things) but not in the way any of them expected. Sometimes, what we expect is not always what we get; and what we get is not what we always expect. The adversity makes the victory more meaningful and far more appreciated. So are we to embrace hardship? Maybe, because as they say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Year of the Dragon

It is the Chinese New Year; the Year of the Dragon specifically. Without giving away my age, it is my year again as I was born in the Year of the Dragon. It seems to make sense really. I have had a good feeling for a long time now and all signs point to things coming to a head in February. It could be wishful thinking, it could be a gut feel, certainly, there is no reason to it. The past few weeks have seen a lull in this abundant optimism but hope still burns bright.

In Eastern philosophy, the Dragon is said to be a deliverer of good fortune and a master of authority. Therefore, those people born in Dragon years are to be honoured and respected. One website states “...Because they are confident, fearless in the face of challenge, they are almost inevitably successful...” well I am most certainly confident, definitely fearless to new challenges so it should follow that I should be accomplished. It also says Dragons are conceited, again not far wrong. No ying without a yang I suppose.

So anyway, all the planets seem to be aligning to the right positions, waiting for the greatness to strike, and strike it will. Here’s hoping for really big things in 2012

Happy New 2012

Compared to last year, this year has kicked off to a great start, I think. It at least ended well. This time last year was a dark and confusing time, everything seemed to unravel and not just for me, everyone around me was unravelling as well; friends, family, the economy. And the year continued in that vein with more bad news and confusion. But so far, this year, everything seems to have been sorted out. Some of the losses have been replaced; the confusion and the darkness have been replaced with surety and laughter. Things seem to be clicking for everyone and that makes it even more pleasing.

Even in the depths of it all last year, I had a quiet confidence which has grown and grown, sometimes scarily so. My mother called on New Year’s Day with her usual prayer and blessing for all her kids and grandkids which just reinforced what I have been feeling all along. She said everything I felt in the usual mumsy way, “it will all be well this year, all the blessings we missed out on last year will be manifested this year...” and so on and so forth. Where normally there would have been a lot of eye rolling, I was deeply moved by it all.

Perhaps it is a sign that I am getting closer in age to her (and I am actually) that I am beginning to appreciate all things “older and wiser”. I too blessed my children at the turn of midnight. We were up counting down as there was nothing else to do, the kids were beside themselves with excitement and I am not quite sure why. (I tend to get very euphoric myself on New Year’s Eve; I clean the house to get rid of any dirt before the dawn of a whole new year, especially the kitchen. In my mind, a clean house at the start of the year means a clean house ALL year. And if not, at least I can take it easy on New Year’s Day, with all the chores already taken care of, which is exactly what I did.) Anyway, as we cheered and hugged and watched fireworks (on TV no less), I whispered blessings for prosperity for the year ahead for the pair of them, what greater gift can a parent bestow upon their child after all. And most of all, I believed it with all my heart.

I do believe that if you want something, with all of your heart, it will come to you. So it will be well in 2012, I am certain of it.

Nailing it

That is just how I feel, like I am getting it right, everything is going as it should. It is how I feel when I ace an exam, when I go into the hall and absolutely get all the answers right and I know it in the pit of my stomach that I will get nothing less than an A, and I do. It is quite apt for the time of year when the kids are getting their exam results, but that is just how I feel. It has been rough and if I am honest, it hasn’t been perfect, but it could be a lot, lot worse.

I moved recently and I had to hire some removals people for help with all the heavy lifting. When we got to the new place, we all looked at the front door and we were all sceptical about fitting the furniture through it, it looked too narrow. The removal guys even tried to take off the front door but couldn’t because it had extra hinges in for security purposes, so they left it alone. We carried on bringing things in and left the biggest things till last. Finally, it was time to bring in the big ones and to our surprise; they came in, without any fuss, fanfare or any struggle what’s so ever, it was as though we had imagined a problem where there was none. One of the guys commented that someone upstairs must be smiling down on me. He was so right because that is just how I feel.

Still, they say luck is 90% hard work or something to that effect, lord knows I have a positive attitude, I don’t know where it is coming from and I do whatever I have to do as best I can. I see the glass as half full as opposed to half empty but I am a realist, if a glass is empty, it just is, no matter what anyone says otherwise. But change is a-coming, I feel it in my bones and I hope I am right about this one, I hope I ace it.

Fly in the ointment

This means “A small but irritating flaw that spoils the whole thing”. But think of it from the point of view of the poor fly, stuck in a thick, sticky substance, unable to move, wings probably stuck in said substance and fallen off, so even if it got out of that sticky situation, it would never again be able to fly.

This is how I am beginning to feel, like a fly in some ointment. Not only am I spoiling the “whole thing”, I am unable to move and the more I try, the more damage I seem to be causing myself and to the ointment. I am quickly being sapped of all that positive energy and optimistic outlook I have hitherto been full of. Perhaps lack of a good nights sleep is instrumental in this latest depressed state after holding my head above water for so long. Even at the best of times, sleep depravation is never a pleasant thing.

The other factor is the ointment itself. I am trying as hard as possible not to mess up this ointment, I didn’t want to find myself in it but here I am. I fear I will soon be scooped up and dumped unceremoniously into the bin in an attempt to salvage the situation. But I am not a fly and I cannot/will not lose my wings. And who knows, if and when I get out of this ointment, I may have acquired some of the medicinal properties of it and use it for good. See, there, that is some of that optimism still shining through, so not all is lost. As the blog states, it is still swings and round abouts, there are some good things as well as all this mess.

This is the season for flies anyway. They are a bit of a nuisance but they still do serve a very important purpose. So even though they buzz around and cause great irritation, they are only about for one season and they would be greatly missed if they ever all go away.

Keep smiling

How does one remain positive in the face of adversity? A friend of mine asked me, "when did things come to this?". I have been asking myself the same question since the start of the year, but I don't have an answer for it. I am convinced that I will wake up one day and completely freak out because for right now, it doesn't seem to be sinking in. I say this because I remember one of the stories in school about pranks students played on each other. One that always freaked me out was the prank involving waiting for the prankee to fall asleep especially on the eve of their birthday and carry them in their bed to a strange location, most likely the other side of the school, preferably somewhere dark and deserted. Thankfully, this never happened to me but I always imagined waking up in the middle of the night, disoriented, in a dark, strange place, with no one else around, and assuming it will be outside, to sounds of "creatures of the night". what would I have done? run screaming and crying hysterically back to the dorms most likely, that is if I could sufficiently orient myself to find the right way home.

The most sensible thing to do would be to calm down, figure out where I was, walk calmly and safely back to dorm thereby avoiding clumsy falls and bumps and then find the architects of the prank and make them pay. As I said, thankfully, it never happened to me. That said, what I am experiencing now seems far worse than waking up in a haunted house, it does seem like a pretty bad dream yet I remain strangely hopeful and I'am not sure why. I have been lucky to have enough sensible people around me to tell me it will be all right in the end. In addition to this, I have lived long enough to know that nothing last forever but even with all that, given another time and place, I don't know how I would be handling the situation.

My father used to say that there is nothing that can fall out of the sky that the ground cant handle. I suppose he had a point, I mean after all, the meteor that supposedly killed all the dinosaurs did not destroy the earth, nor did it knock it off its path. In other words, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger? call me sceptical but surely, there is a place between death and strength, a bit of limbo where you are not sure if you want to be dead or run the next marathon.

But despite questioning my unusually sunny disposition, I certainly do not wish it away. there are days and times I do feel down but I allow myself to be cheered up by the little things, a call from a friend, a friendly word from a stranger, a good book or a funny film. Who knows, this meteor that has all but knocked me off course may just have done me a huge favour and killed all my dinosaurs. So here's to a speedy repopulation of planet me :)

Rage against the machine

I went to the bank today, it is a Saturday I know but I had to make a deposit. The branch was due to be open till quite late so I had plenty of time to get there, however, I parked in very expensive, notoriously risky part of town; I had to hurry so as not to get a ticket. I found plenty of parking, in itself quite unusual, pay the meter and rush into the bank. There was the usual bank of automated machines lining the wall. I have used them several times and they do not work for me. Apart from withdrawing cash, they do nothing else. I join the queue of people waiting to be seen by a real/human customer service person. There were 3 people in front of me, not a long wait, or so I thought.

I got in behind the last person and there was the usual customer service staff circling the queuing customers, trying to lure them away from the archaic practice of “Queuing”. Why not use or new automated service, it’s a machine, no idle chit chat, and get your transactions done quicker than speaking to a human (ironically, I thought, these people are talking themselves out of a job because soon, these fancy talking hole's in the wall will replace them all). I refused the offer, I always do, I end up wasting far more time at those machines and preferred to wait in line. Others in the line refused too, they too perhaps were now wise to the non performing robots. We carried on waiting and we seemed to be waiting far longer than seemed necessary. I wonder if the banking tellers were purposely wasting our time so we would start to reconsider using them. I say this because when you eventually get to a teller, they ask you all sorts of ridiculous, inane questions: "I see you are due a financial check up", "would you like to see someone" " no one is available till the next couple of weeks" "should we call you to make an appointment" "is this withdrawal for Christmas presents" and so forth. They have become like double glazing sales people, there is no getting rid of them.

I waited, and waited, watching the clock to make sure that I got out of the bank before my parking ticket expired; I was getting a bit anxious. There was a changing of the guard at the tellers, someone’s shift was over and it took her impossibly long to get off and hand over the reins to someone else. We were down to one teller now and the line had practically stopped moving. Then someone else came on to join the only other teller but instead of serving us customers, she counted money in that money counting machine thing, and shifted papers hither thither. What on earth is going on I wondered. Eventually, after counting the same cash over and again (I am convinced) she was open for business. She signalled to me and I went over to her. By now, the lobby was full of queuing customers and despite repeated calls for us to use the wonder machines, people still queued up as the machines were still not fully functional.

Whist I was eventually being served, I looked over at the other teller. She had just finished with a customer but did not immediately attend to another. I stared at her in sheer frustration to see if she was really making us wait on purpose, she was! For after the last customer left, she appeared to re-arrange her desk; she moved her calculator out of her way, looked at it and readjusted it, then she moved her stapler or something similar, she assessed her handy work and then shifted some papers, stared at her workspace some more, then when there was absolutely nothing left to shift or adjust, she called for the next customer and apologised, yes apologised for the long wait. I didn’t believe it, I was incredulous; had they been ordered to make people wait at the tellers so that we would be encouraged to use the machines. I was disbelieving, surely, they realise that when customers become dependent on these machines, their own jobs will cease to exist, and to be honest, with service like I have received on my last few trips to the bank, that would no big loss.