Love Like There Is No Tomorrow

At least that’s what they say, “live life like today is your last” and all the rest of it. The idea is to live life to its fullest, without regard for regret or consequences. The realisation that there is not a lot of time left to spend with a loved one intensifies the feelings you have towards that person. There are all sorts of reasons why time is cut short but not until you find yourself in such a position do you really appreciate the gravity of it all. It is a bit like Christmas really, the end of another year, the gathering with friends and relatives most of whom you’ve had very little contact with all year. Because there only a few days to catch up and reflect amidst copious amounts of food and drink, the gathering is all the more passionate, more so than if it were a two week summer break with plenty of days to get over that initial euphoria.

Everything appears rosier, romantic even and you hate the thing that has to take you away. You are lucky if it is temporary, but mostly, it isn’t. As excruciating as it may be at the time, it may be a good reminder of what is important. If you ultimately feel relief at the thought of not being with someone, then it is a long time coming and you are well rid. Absence they say makes the heart grow fonder; it is a special relationship that can stand the test of separation. Here’s to a fond heart.

My Bright Red Jacket

It was a birthday present from my siblings, it is an autumn coat and so suitably red. I very rarely wear it because I think it is just a tad too big unless it is covering bulky sweaters, and it rarely does. Also, it is a bit on the smart side and since I never seem to go anywhere smart, there hasn’t been much need to wear it. On the odd occasion I do wear it, I always tend to get compliments on it, on how much the colour suits me. Perhaps it softens me somewhat, I am not sure but I am convinced that it makes me seem easy prey for others. I always get picked on when I wear it, or should I say that when I look back, every time I have a weird falling out with a complete stranger, I always happen to be wearing the said red jacket. There was actually I time that I didn’t wear it for a long time after a horrible falling out with a bus driver that decided to take the piss with me – long story for another day.

I am a big fan of Scrubs and there was an episode where the janitor bellyached about a new uniform so severely that the chief of medicine decided to repay him for his torment. So he went and did some homework and investigated the effect of colours on the wearer and the observer and decided then to get the janitor a baby blue outfit, which softened him considerably and opened him, not to abuse in the normal sense, the janitor was far from normal, but it made him so much more approachable and this for the janitor was abuse! Whereas, the chief of staff gave the hospital lawyer a red tie which made people want to hit him, and hit him they did.

Hysterics aside, this got me thinking, perhaps the red flags up something in observers that both angers them and softens me at the same time, opening me to all sort of encounters that don’t seem to happen when I am in my usual black winter coat. Or maybe I have selective memory, or perhaps, because it is an autumn coat, I wear it in the autumn where everyone is just about getting grumpy about the end of (yet another cold and wet) summer, who knows. It is due a dry clean anyway, this would make it even brighter than it is now; I wonder if that will work for or against me. 

So Near But Yet So Far

I am sure I have talked about feeling it in my bones, with my very being, that something in particular is going to be alright, I know it will be. Even in the face of adversity, when it looked like it wasn’t going to happen, something in me would not let go of the belief that this is the one, this is the right thing. After all that is said and done, this will work. As with my optimism, I have no control over it. It is like a burning desire. I know I can get carried away quite easily but I am also very luckily for me, a realist, which means that there is always a niggling doubt at the back of my mind highlighting everything that can go wrong. For some reason, this niggling doubt has been completely drowned out and everything seems to be pointing in the same direction.

But the doubts are there, they are external but they are there and I cannot ignore them.  This is why even though I can actually taste it, it is still so far and I am in abject torment. I am not very good at dealing with conflict such as this, I guess it is my low pain threshold; I shut it out and hope it works itself out – a bit of an ostrich in that respect, but only when I am overwhelmed. I am now. All I need is a lead, and Ill grab it and run with it so fast so quick, I MAKE it work.

But for now, I will not fight my optimism; I’ll let it take control and hope it continues to drown out doubt. There are some sacrifices to be made now, and even with those sacrifices, which will ultimately determine the success of this venture, I am still so sure I am doing the right thing. It is a big gamble but one that if it pays off, all this torment will seem so trivial. I really hope it does. So, in keeping with my mantra for the year so far without reservation, it will be well, it will be well.

I Know

It has been too long without something inspirational and uplifting pouring out of me but I will attempt to spew goodness and wholesomeness in a very dark and troubled time. People are often stronger than we give them credit for; we all have incredible inner strength and it often comes to the rescue when all else shuts down, like back up power.

Every cloud has a silver lining and it is not always apparent straight away. Almost every parent tells their child who is sulking for being punished or being forced to do something they would rather not be doing, that it is for their own good. Eating vegetables for example, or taking the time away from playing to do homework. There is no doubt that as a healthy, independent adult, anyone would be at the very least secretly grateful to all the greens and hours of study or commitment to a cause.

I often despair when all my kids do is moan and complain, they are so short sighted I think, but I suppose I can also be accused of being the same sometimes. I have a lot to be grateful for, but focusing on the few things that are not going right just right now could make everything seem dire. So I will do what I always say to my kids, I’ll stop being so negative and I’ll count my many blessings. I am however entitled to a short sulk period and I shall fully exercise this right. It will be right as rain thereafter, I just know it will

Achilles heel

Everyone has one. We gather from Greek mythology that they were the only points on the mighty warrior’s body that was not immune to any harm. In other words, it is a deadly weakness, that one thing that weakens you beyond recognition. If you know where or what your point of weakness is, then you should guard it jealously, if not, it is a massive shock to the system when it takes a hit. But what makes the point of weakness so mortal is that you have very little control or protection over it and can only stand by often completely helpless while damage is being done. It would not be a weakness otherwise.

One may argue that one’s offspring, parents, spouse, even best friend or national hero can prove to be a target for the fatal blow from an enemy, speaking figuratively of course. It doesn’t always go without saying that you would lay your life for a loved one, in fact there are many who won’t, but it is not until you find yourself in situation that you realise that everything else is secondary, including yourself, that you become certain you will do anything to make it right.  But first you have to pick yourself up and recover from that blinding blow. It is as though someone has reached inside and scooped out everything inside, your heat, your spine, your very essence; the true meaning of the word gutted. You just want to curl up and die but quitting is not an option, leaving you in a desperate state of turmoil, vulnerable and completely devastated.

As much as I believe that everything happens for a reason, in the thick of it, everything feels like a thick heavy raincloud. It always works out in the end. I once told a friend that tribulation is a rite of passage, and I meant it, but these words of encouragement are easier to deliver than they are to receive.

However horrible this period gets, like love, it is better to have suffered loss than never to have loved at all, the absence of a point of mortal weakness would render one not immortal but inhuman. The very things that make us human are the very things that destroy us; as they say, nothing is not worth living for if it is not worth dying for.

Baptism of Fire

That’s the way one of my first roles was described by my then supervisor. I didn’t really get on with him, no one did, he was a difficult person in every way and that was part of the baptism. He came to the conclusion because I had to work with him on an equally difficult project and one day, he conceded that my task was indeed a tricky one. We didn’t kiss and make up after or ever even saw eye to eye but I think there was some element of respect in the relationship which was good enough. His words have stuck with me ever since though; baptism of fire.

The phrase baptism by fire or baptism of fire, is a translation of the French phrase baptême du feu and is a reference to a soldier's first experience under fire in battle. This is very true of that period of time and like a soldier, weathering that storm, I came out the other end a higher ranking officer. It was hard work but it was rewarding. And as time wore on, it didn’t get any easier, it just got altered.  I faced battles that were more suited to my experience; it was a never ending war but with brief periods of peace in between.

Lately, there is a renewed baptism, though not one of a rookie soldier, baptism in this case means “to overwhelm with fire (those who do not repent), i.e., to subject them to the terrible penalties of hell[1]". This time, it is not the start of something new, the precursor to new beginnings and all the other wonderful things that are associated with fresh starts, it is the end result, the final say, it is what happens when the new grows old and has been riddled with unforgettable mistakes and unforgivable sins, it is the final baptism. It feels eternal because that is what it is meant to be, another never ending war but without any breaks to regroup.

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[1] It originates from Matthew 3:11. Of this expression, J. H. Thayer commented: "to overwhelm with fire (those who do not repent), i.e., to subject them to the terrible penalties of hell" (1958, 94).

Spring into spring

Spring is here, and we have had glorious sunshine, warm sunshine too, enough to warrant summer dresses and sandals, but we’ve had snow as well; we have had it all this April. But snow apart, it has been pretty good weather, there is a drought so the snow and rain has actually been welcome; spring always heralds an invigorating urge to tidy up and organise your home and your life. For one thing, the days are longer and warmer, the curtains and windows stay open longer so all the mess that has accumulated over the long dark winter is now more visible, and dustier. It is time to pack away those bulky winter garments and I suppose the process of dragging things in and out of storage acts as a catalyst to general spring cleaning. Things are moved about, dust is exposed, walls look drearier, in need of a lick of paint and so forth.

It is so easy to get carried away with housekeeping and homemaking. It is all for a good cause though, spring is a magical time; the sky is bluer, flowers explode everywhere, cherry blossoms even start to trend on social media, everyone seems totally enamoured by them, myself included. My favourite aspect of spring is the start of the longer days, leading to long summer evenings, absolutely magical. This combination once led me to feel with my entire being one lunchtime at work that it is a great time to be alive. It was a powerful feeling of genuine contentment and gratitude to nature for the gift of the sun. I haven’t felt that satisfaction in a long time sadly, not just with the weather but with life generally.

I do suppose it is possible to feel at one with the universe on cold, grey, hazy autumn days if everything else is as it should be. Likewise, I know it is possible to feel glum in the sun if the warm weather is the only thing that seems to be going right. In fact, there is every danger of feeling totally dejected having to observe everyone else seemingly grabbing life with both hands while you seem stuck in a rot. But the difference between licking wounds in spring is optimistically the hope of new beginnings and looking forward to a long eventful summer of new promise.