So Near But Yet So Far

I am sure I have talked about feeling it in my bones, with my very being, that something in particular is going to be alright, I know it will be. Even in the face of adversity, when it looked like it wasn’t going to happen, something in me would not let go of the belief that this is the one, this is the right thing. After all that is said and done, this will work. As with my optimism, I have no control over it. It is like a burning desire. I know I can get carried away quite easily but I am also very luckily for me, a realist, which means that there is always a niggling doubt at the back of my mind highlighting everything that can go wrong. For some reason, this niggling doubt has been completely drowned out and everything seems to be pointing in the same direction.

But the doubts are there, they are external but they are there and I cannot ignore them.  This is why even though I can actually taste it, it is still so far and I am in abject torment. I am not very good at dealing with conflict such as this, I guess it is my low pain threshold; I shut it out and hope it works itself out – a bit of an ostrich in that respect, but only when I am overwhelmed. I am now. All I need is a lead, and Ill grab it and run with it so fast so quick, I MAKE it work.

But for now, I will not fight my optimism; I’ll let it take control and hope it continues to drown out doubt. There are some sacrifices to be made now, and even with those sacrifices, which will ultimately determine the success of this venture, I am still so sure I am doing the right thing. It is a big gamble but one that if it pays off, all this torment will seem so trivial. I really hope it does. So, in keeping with my mantra for the year so far without reservation, it will be well, it will be well.

I Know

It has been too long without something inspirational and uplifting pouring out of me but I will attempt to spew goodness and wholesomeness in a very dark and troubled time. People are often stronger than we give them credit for; we all have incredible inner strength and it often comes to the rescue when all else shuts down, like back up power.

Every cloud has a silver lining and it is not always apparent straight away. Almost every parent tells their child who is sulking for being punished or being forced to do something they would rather not be doing, that it is for their own good. Eating vegetables for example, or taking the time away from playing to do homework. There is no doubt that as a healthy, independent adult, anyone would be at the very least secretly grateful to all the greens and hours of study or commitment to a cause.

I often despair when all my kids do is moan and complain, they are so short sighted I think, but I suppose I can also be accused of being the same sometimes. I have a lot to be grateful for, but focusing on the few things that are not going right just right now could make everything seem dire. So I will do what I always say to my kids, I’ll stop being so negative and I’ll count my many blessings. I am however entitled to a short sulk period and I shall fully exercise this right. It will be right as rain thereafter, I just know it will

Achilles heel

Everyone has one. We gather from Greek mythology that they were the only points on the mighty warrior’s body that was not immune to any harm. In other words, it is a deadly weakness, that one thing that weakens you beyond recognition. If you know where or what your point of weakness is, then you should guard it jealously, if not, it is a massive shock to the system when it takes a hit. But what makes the point of weakness so mortal is that you have very little control or protection over it and can only stand by often completely helpless while damage is being done. It would not be a weakness otherwise.

One may argue that one’s offspring, parents, spouse, even best friend or national hero can prove to be a target for the fatal blow from an enemy, speaking figuratively of course. It doesn’t always go without saying that you would lay your life for a loved one, in fact there are many who won’t, but it is not until you find yourself in situation that you realise that everything else is secondary, including yourself, that you become certain you will do anything to make it right.  But first you have to pick yourself up and recover from that blinding blow. It is as though someone has reached inside and scooped out everything inside, your heat, your spine, your very essence; the true meaning of the word gutted. You just want to curl up and die but quitting is not an option, leaving you in a desperate state of turmoil, vulnerable and completely devastated.

As much as I believe that everything happens for a reason, in the thick of it, everything feels like a thick heavy raincloud. It always works out in the end. I once told a friend that tribulation is a rite of passage, and I meant it, but these words of encouragement are easier to deliver than they are to receive.

However horrible this period gets, like love, it is better to have suffered loss than never to have loved at all, the absence of a point of mortal weakness would render one not immortal but inhuman. The very things that make us human are the very things that destroy us; as they say, nothing is not worth living for if it is not worth dying for.

Baptism of Fire

That’s the way one of my first roles was described by my then supervisor. I didn’t really get on with him, no one did, he was a difficult person in every way and that was part of the baptism. He came to the conclusion because I had to work with him on an equally difficult project and one day, he conceded that my task was indeed a tricky one. We didn’t kiss and make up after or ever even saw eye to eye but I think there was some element of respect in the relationship which was good enough. His words have stuck with me ever since though; baptism of fire.

The phrase baptism by fire or baptism of fire, is a translation of the French phrase baptême du feu and is a reference to a soldier's first experience under fire in battle. This is very true of that period of time and like a soldier, weathering that storm, I came out the other end a higher ranking officer. It was hard work but it was rewarding. And as time wore on, it didn’t get any easier, it just got altered.  I faced battles that were more suited to my experience; it was a never ending war but with brief periods of peace in between.

Lately, there is a renewed baptism, though not one of a rookie soldier, baptism in this case means “to overwhelm with fire (those who do not repent), i.e., to subject them to the terrible penalties of hell[1]". This time, it is not the start of something new, the precursor to new beginnings and all the other wonderful things that are associated with fresh starts, it is the end result, the final say, it is what happens when the new grows old and has been riddled with unforgettable mistakes and unforgivable sins, it is the final baptism. It feels eternal because that is what it is meant to be, another never ending war but without any breaks to regroup.

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[1] It originates from Matthew 3:11. Of this expression, J. H. Thayer commented: "to overwhelm with fire (those who do not repent), i.e., to subject them to the terrible penalties of hell" (1958, 94).

Spring into spring

Spring is here, and we have had glorious sunshine, warm sunshine too, enough to warrant summer dresses and sandals, but we’ve had snow as well; we have had it all this April. But snow apart, it has been pretty good weather, there is a drought so the snow and rain has actually been welcome; spring always heralds an invigorating urge to tidy up and organise your home and your life. For one thing, the days are longer and warmer, the curtains and windows stay open longer so all the mess that has accumulated over the long dark winter is now more visible, and dustier. It is time to pack away those bulky winter garments and I suppose the process of dragging things in and out of storage acts as a catalyst to general spring cleaning. Things are moved about, dust is exposed, walls look drearier, in need of a lick of paint and so forth.

It is so easy to get carried away with housekeeping and homemaking. It is all for a good cause though, spring is a magical time; the sky is bluer, flowers explode everywhere, cherry blossoms even start to trend on social media, everyone seems totally enamoured by them, myself included. My favourite aspect of spring is the start of the longer days, leading to long summer evenings, absolutely magical. This combination once led me to feel with my entire being one lunchtime at work that it is a great time to be alive. It was a powerful feeling of genuine contentment and gratitude to nature for the gift of the sun. I haven’t felt that satisfaction in a long time sadly, not just with the weather but with life generally.

I do suppose it is possible to feel at one with the universe on cold, grey, hazy autumn days if everything else is as it should be. Likewise, I know it is possible to feel glum in the sun if the warm weather is the only thing that seems to be going right. In fact, there is every danger of feeling totally dejected having to observe everyone else seemingly grabbing life with both hands while you seem stuck in a rot. But the difference between licking wounds in spring is optimistically the hope of new beginnings and looking forward to a long eventful summer of new promise.

Limbo like me...

Keeping true to its name, it has been swings and roundabouts. It’s been the pits for a long while and as every cloud has a silver lining, things should be brightening up a bit now. Admittedly, things are looking a lot rosier but I think I am at limbo stage again, waiting, not so much with baited breadth this time but for time to pass and events to unfold.  It’s almost like waiting for the holidays to start so the festivities can commence, guaranteed festivities no less. Yes, the future looks bright, so why is my heart not doing quiet summersaults when I think about it?

Perhaps the means haven’t justified the end; not that the means have been that bad to be honest. And if the end turns out to be what I hope it to be, the most difficulty parts of the journey would soon evaporate and be just all be a hazy memory. It has definitely been a character building rite of passage, lessons to keep one grounded; so that you don’t easily forget.

It’s the pits

It’s been a long long time I have felt this defeated. I feel well and truly licked, totally out of it, completely overwhelmed and just plain pants. I can muster a smile and carry on conversations, but at various intervals in the day, I just want to burst into tears and curl up into a ball in a dark room somewhere, with “do not disturb” plastered all over the door.

Usually, when I feel this way, I get some comfort from the fact that its hormones, it’s a cyclical thing and it will pass as soon as nature takes its course, but it doesn’t seem like it this time and there have been no weird and wacky happenings to testify the goodness and kindness and generosity of the universe.  Boo hiss at it all.

It must be emotional fatigue, I need a break and I haven’t had one in a long time; I need a change, a really good belly laugh and not just for a couple hours. I need for the future to look bright, more bearable even; I need more stability, more security but is that asking for a lot?

My mom recently said recounted what she was told by some doctor; he said that whilst the human body can survive a week without food, 3 days without water, 3 minutes, or something like that without air, it can only muster a few seconds without hope. This makes sense because how can you live if there is nothing to live for? I suppose this is why suicide victims take that leap, literarily. The cynic in me thinks that there are few people who are totally hopeless but for the majority of us, hope is dangled in front of us, just to keep us alive until the poor human body physically gives up or we realise indeed that we are never going to touch that bright light that shimmers ever so slightly out of our reach. This is all very positive for a lovely spring afternoon. I sigh!