Love Like There Is No Tomorrow

At least that’s what they say, “live life like today is your last” and all the rest of it. The idea is to live life to its fullest, without regard for regret or consequences. The realisation that there is not a lot of time left to spend with a loved one intensifies the feelings you have towards that person. There are all sorts of reasons why time is cut short but not until you find yourself in such a position do you really appreciate the gravity of it all. It is a bit like Christmas really, the end of another year, the gathering with friends and relatives most of whom you’ve had very little contact with all year. Because there only a few days to catch up and reflect amidst copious amounts of food and drink, the gathering is all the more passionate, more so than if it were a two week summer break with plenty of days to get over that initial euphoria.

Everything appears rosier, romantic even and you hate the thing that has to take you away. You are lucky if it is temporary, but mostly, it isn’t. As excruciating as it may be at the time, it may be a good reminder of what is important. If you ultimately feel relief at the thought of not being with someone, then it is a long time coming and you are well rid. Absence they say makes the heart grow fonder; it is a special relationship that can stand the test of separation. Here’s to a fond heart.

My Bright Red Jacket

It was a birthday present from my siblings, it is an autumn coat and so suitably red. I very rarely wear it because I think it is just a tad too big unless it is covering bulky sweaters, and it rarely does. Also, it is a bit on the smart side and since I never seem to go anywhere smart, there hasn’t been much need to wear it. On the odd occasion I do wear it, I always tend to get compliments on it, on how much the colour suits me. Perhaps it softens me somewhat, I am not sure but I am convinced that it makes me seem easy prey for others. I always get picked on when I wear it, or should I say that when I look back, every time I have a weird falling out with a complete stranger, I always happen to be wearing the said red jacket. There was actually I time that I didn’t wear it for a long time after a horrible falling out with a bus driver that decided to take the piss with me – long story for another day.

I am a big fan of Scrubs and there was an episode where the janitor bellyached about a new uniform so severely that the chief of medicine decided to repay him for his torment. So he went and did some homework and investigated the effect of colours on the wearer and the observer and decided then to get the janitor a baby blue outfit, which softened him considerably and opened him, not to abuse in the normal sense, the janitor was far from normal, but it made him so much more approachable and this for the janitor was abuse! Whereas, the chief of staff gave the hospital lawyer a red tie which made people want to hit him, and hit him they did.

Hysterics aside, this got me thinking, perhaps the red flags up something in observers that both angers them and softens me at the same time, opening me to all sort of encounters that don’t seem to happen when I am in my usual black winter coat. Or maybe I have selective memory, or perhaps, because it is an autumn coat, I wear it in the autumn where everyone is just about getting grumpy about the end of (yet another cold and wet) summer, who knows. It is due a dry clean anyway, this would make it even brighter than it is now; I wonder if that will work for or against me. 

So Near But Yet So Far

I am sure I have talked about feeling it in my bones, with my very being, that something in particular is going to be alright, I know it will be. Even in the face of adversity, when it looked like it wasn’t going to happen, something in me would not let go of the belief that this is the one, this is the right thing. After all that is said and done, this will work. As with my optimism, I have no control over it. It is like a burning desire. I know I can get carried away quite easily but I am also very luckily for me, a realist, which means that there is always a niggling doubt at the back of my mind highlighting everything that can go wrong. For some reason, this niggling doubt has been completely drowned out and everything seems to be pointing in the same direction.

But the doubts are there, they are external but they are there and I cannot ignore them.  This is why even though I can actually taste it, it is still so far and I am in abject torment. I am not very good at dealing with conflict such as this, I guess it is my low pain threshold; I shut it out and hope it works itself out – a bit of an ostrich in that respect, but only when I am overwhelmed. I am now. All I need is a lead, and Ill grab it and run with it so fast so quick, I MAKE it work.

But for now, I will not fight my optimism; I’ll let it take control and hope it continues to drown out doubt. There are some sacrifices to be made now, and even with those sacrifices, which will ultimately determine the success of this venture, I am still so sure I am doing the right thing. It is a big gamble but one that if it pays off, all this torment will seem so trivial. I really hope it does. So, in keeping with my mantra for the year so far without reservation, it will be well, it will be well.

I Know

It has been too long without something inspirational and uplifting pouring out of me but I will attempt to spew goodness and wholesomeness in a very dark and troubled time. People are often stronger than we give them credit for; we all have incredible inner strength and it often comes to the rescue when all else shuts down, like back up power.

Every cloud has a silver lining and it is not always apparent straight away. Almost every parent tells their child who is sulking for being punished or being forced to do something they would rather not be doing, that it is for their own good. Eating vegetables for example, or taking the time away from playing to do homework. There is no doubt that as a healthy, independent adult, anyone would be at the very least secretly grateful to all the greens and hours of study or commitment to a cause.

I often despair when all my kids do is moan and complain, they are so short sighted I think, but I suppose I can also be accused of being the same sometimes. I have a lot to be grateful for, but focusing on the few things that are not going right just right now could make everything seem dire. So I will do what I always say to my kids, I’ll stop being so negative and I’ll count my many blessings. I am however entitled to a short sulk period and I shall fully exercise this right. It will be right as rain thereafter, I just know it will

Achilles heel

Everyone has one. We gather from Greek mythology that they were the only points on the mighty warrior’s body that was not immune to any harm. In other words, it is a deadly weakness, that one thing that weakens you beyond recognition. If you know where or what your point of weakness is, then you should guard it jealously, if not, it is a massive shock to the system when it takes a hit. But what makes the point of weakness so mortal is that you have very little control or protection over it and can only stand by often completely helpless while damage is being done. It would not be a weakness otherwise.

One may argue that one’s offspring, parents, spouse, even best friend or national hero can prove to be a target for the fatal blow from an enemy, speaking figuratively of course. It doesn’t always go without saying that you would lay your life for a loved one, in fact there are many who won’t, but it is not until you find yourself in situation that you realise that everything else is secondary, including yourself, that you become certain you will do anything to make it right.  But first you have to pick yourself up and recover from that blinding blow. It is as though someone has reached inside and scooped out everything inside, your heat, your spine, your very essence; the true meaning of the word gutted. You just want to curl up and die but quitting is not an option, leaving you in a desperate state of turmoil, vulnerable and completely devastated.

As much as I believe that everything happens for a reason, in the thick of it, everything feels like a thick heavy raincloud. It always works out in the end. I once told a friend that tribulation is a rite of passage, and I meant it, but these words of encouragement are easier to deliver than they are to receive.

However horrible this period gets, like love, it is better to have suffered loss than never to have loved at all, the absence of a point of mortal weakness would render one not immortal but inhuman. The very things that make us human are the very things that destroy us; as they say, nothing is not worth living for if it is not worth dying for.

Baptism of Fire

That’s the way one of my first roles was described by my then supervisor. I didn’t really get on with him, no one did, he was a difficult person in every way and that was part of the baptism. He came to the conclusion because I had to work with him on an equally difficult project and one day, he conceded that my task was indeed a tricky one. We didn’t kiss and make up after or ever even saw eye to eye but I think there was some element of respect in the relationship which was good enough. His words have stuck with me ever since though; baptism of fire.

The phrase baptism by fire or baptism of fire, is a translation of the French phrase baptême du feu and is a reference to a soldier's first experience under fire in battle. This is very true of that period of time and like a soldier, weathering that storm, I came out the other end a higher ranking officer. It was hard work but it was rewarding. And as time wore on, it didn’t get any easier, it just got altered.  I faced battles that were more suited to my experience; it was a never ending war but with brief periods of peace in between.

Lately, there is a renewed baptism, though not one of a rookie soldier, baptism in this case means “to overwhelm with fire (those who do not repent), i.e., to subject them to the terrible penalties of hell[1]". This time, it is not the start of something new, the precursor to new beginnings and all the other wonderful things that are associated with fresh starts, it is the end result, the final say, it is what happens when the new grows old and has been riddled with unforgettable mistakes and unforgivable sins, it is the final baptism. It feels eternal because that is what it is meant to be, another never ending war but without any breaks to regroup.

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[1] It originates from Matthew 3:11. Of this expression, J. H. Thayer commented: "to overwhelm with fire (those who do not repent), i.e., to subject them to the terrible penalties of hell" (1958, 94).

Spring into spring

Spring is here, and we have had glorious sunshine, warm sunshine too, enough to warrant summer dresses and sandals, but we’ve had snow as well; we have had it all this April. But snow apart, it has been pretty good weather, there is a drought so the snow and rain has actually been welcome; spring always heralds an invigorating urge to tidy up and organise your home and your life. For one thing, the days are longer and warmer, the curtains and windows stay open longer so all the mess that has accumulated over the long dark winter is now more visible, and dustier. It is time to pack away those bulky winter garments and I suppose the process of dragging things in and out of storage acts as a catalyst to general spring cleaning. Things are moved about, dust is exposed, walls look drearier, in need of a lick of paint and so forth.

It is so easy to get carried away with housekeeping and homemaking. It is all for a good cause though, spring is a magical time; the sky is bluer, flowers explode everywhere, cherry blossoms even start to trend on social media, everyone seems totally enamoured by them, myself included. My favourite aspect of spring is the start of the longer days, leading to long summer evenings, absolutely magical. This combination once led me to feel with my entire being one lunchtime at work that it is a great time to be alive. It was a powerful feeling of genuine contentment and gratitude to nature for the gift of the sun. I haven’t felt that satisfaction in a long time sadly, not just with the weather but with life generally.

I do suppose it is possible to feel at one with the universe on cold, grey, hazy autumn days if everything else is as it should be. Likewise, I know it is possible to feel glum in the sun if the warm weather is the only thing that seems to be going right. In fact, there is every danger of feeling totally dejected having to observe everyone else seemingly grabbing life with both hands while you seem stuck in a rot. But the difference between licking wounds in spring is optimistically the hope of new beginnings and looking forward to a long eventful summer of new promise.

Limbo like me...

Keeping true to its name, it has been swings and roundabouts. It’s been the pits for a long while and as every cloud has a silver lining, things should be brightening up a bit now. Admittedly, things are looking a lot rosier but I think I am at limbo stage again, waiting, not so much with baited breadth this time but for time to pass and events to unfold.  It’s almost like waiting for the holidays to start so the festivities can commence, guaranteed festivities no less. Yes, the future looks bright, so why is my heart not doing quiet summersaults when I think about it?

Perhaps the means haven’t justified the end; not that the means have been that bad to be honest. And if the end turns out to be what I hope it to be, the most difficulty parts of the journey would soon evaporate and be just all be a hazy memory. It has definitely been a character building rite of passage, lessons to keep one grounded; so that you don’t easily forget.

It’s the pits

It’s been a long long time I have felt this defeated. I feel well and truly licked, totally out of it, completely overwhelmed and just plain pants. I can muster a smile and carry on conversations, but at various intervals in the day, I just want to burst into tears and curl up into a ball in a dark room somewhere, with “do not disturb” plastered all over the door.

Usually, when I feel this way, I get some comfort from the fact that its hormones, it’s a cyclical thing and it will pass as soon as nature takes its course, but it doesn’t seem like it this time and there have been no weird and wacky happenings to testify the goodness and kindness and generosity of the universe.  Boo hiss at it all.

It must be emotional fatigue, I need a break and I haven’t had one in a long time; I need a change, a really good belly laugh and not just for a couple hours. I need for the future to look bright, more bearable even; I need more stability, more security but is that asking for a lot?

My mom recently said recounted what she was told by some doctor; he said that whilst the human body can survive a week without food, 3 days without water, 3 minutes, or something like that without air, it can only muster a few seconds without hope. This makes sense because how can you live if there is nothing to live for? I suppose this is why suicide victims take that leap, literarily. The cynic in me thinks that there are few people who are totally hopeless but for the majority of us, hope is dangled in front of us, just to keep us alive until the poor human body physically gives up or we realise indeed that we are never going to touch that bright light that shimmers ever so slightly out of our reach. This is all very positive for a lovely spring afternoon. I sigh!

Lose a pair, gain a pair

Last summer, or two summers ago, I joined the crowds of sun worshipers and got myself a couple of sunglasses; they were the kinds of glasses that everyone else was wearing and I got a pretty decent deal for two pairs instead of a single one, I could interchange them I thought, two is always better than one isn’t it. As it turns out, I didn’t interchange them much, I wore only one of the pairs; it happened to be the convenient to do, and it served me well, not just in the summer either, the winter sun can also be quite harsh.

As the summer wore on, so did the reasonably priced accessory and it soon fell apart. Shame that, I was getting really used to it. Where is the other pair I wondered, I searched everywhere, all the places I thought I would leave a pair of glasses. It didn’t help that I had moved over the summer and most things were not where they should be.  I eventually resigned myself to get another pair, or two, the days were getting longer and the sun was out in force.

I have a pair of hair pins I use in my hair on bad hair days which is practically every day, I leave them on my dresser with the rest of my cosmetics but this day, I could not find them anywhere. The kids are often in my room and my younger son is like a magpie, anything shiny and/or metallic gets taken away in his beak to his nest of wonders. I’d ask him if he took them but he was at school and I needed them now. I concluded that the hair pins will eventually show up but to solve the problem at hand, I decided I would get another pair from the bunch the original pair came from.

I opened the top draw looking for the rest of the bobbins, what’s in the grey plastic bag I wonder, I picked it up and dipped into it and surprise, surprise, the second pair of glasses were pulled out. They were still brand new as I hadn’t worn them since the day they were bought. Fancy that I thought, just when I least expected it, a brand new pair of decent looking sunglasses! And it was perfect timing too as it was a brilliantly sunny day. I also found the extra pair of hair pins I was looking for, result.

On the brink

It just seems that everything is just about to happen, but it isn’t happening just quite yet. On all fronts, there seems to be a tentative pause; it’s like a bit of a tease, so close but yet, not quite there. It is truly frustrating. Is it better than a pregnant pause I wonder? Rather than a restless feeling, it’s more a numbness which I think I actually prefer because it is generally calmer. This I take it is another lesson in patience, one I am exhaustively fed up of!

Thankfully, when all else fails, I have my music to soothe me. I would really rather have my solitude but that is one more thing on the brink and not quite all there, not yet though I can but taste it.

Setting fire to rain

That’s Adel’s gift to 2011 and certainly one of my favourite of her songs. Though I like the song for the emotion in it, I interpret the phrase entirely differently; for me it means doing the impossible. You cannot set fire to the water, never mind droplets of water falling from the sky, where do you start. 

The year has finally kicked off and there are a lot of decisions to be made as a result of imminent opportunities. It is the making of decisions and managing feelings and expectations that has led me to feel that I am setting fire to rain. I don’t want to lose this opportunity as the saying “opportunity knocks but once”, looms ominously at the back of my mind. The thing is, I actually don’t believe that you only have one shot, I do think opportunity comes pretty often but we are not always in a position to act on it; we would be lucky to even recognise it; another saying declares that “Opportunities always look bigger going than coming” which explains why we don’t always see it or perhaps see it all too clearly in hindsight. Perhaps they are often disguised as problems, and any wise man worth his salt knows that for every problem there is an opportunity.

It seems like the opposite is the case here, the taking of this opportunity comes with its problems. The biggest problem of all is the risk of missing out on it. If opportunities look bigger going than coming, then I will be trounced by this one leaving; it is as clear as day to anyone  the magnitude of this one a-coming.

Hitting a blank

The calm before the storm maybe? It’s been quiet, calm, uninspiring and altogether dull, like coming to a decided stop at a block wall that cannot be navigated or moved. Normally, this sort of lull is weathered uneventfully, not necessarily easily; but something seems to be amiss this time, something making it all very uneasy and pregnant with anxiety. It’s as though when the lull eventually breaks, there will be a great big explosion, splattering messy goo everywhere. Or to put it in context, it’s like a writer with a deadline but plagued with writers block or an expectant mother in her final trimester, with just days to go before the birth. There isn’t much you can do but wait for events to unfold, the length of wait is completely unknown and the outcome even more mysterious. It is a maddening interlude because there is no way around it, this big blank block wall.

Whatever happens though, it is understood that the time will pass and there will be actions to follow outcomes. The thing is, when things start to happen, it is all go and you forget how fretful the relatively short wait was. With the new mother, there are sleepless nights to look forward to; it is much the same with the writer. But as demanding as things get, you never miss the quiet lull, and all the activity usually means progress. Still, looking at the solid, blank block wall is maddening, surely nothing a good book, good music, or lunch with a friend cannot cure I should think.

sigh!

Just reading through my old posts has cheered me up a bit, just a tiny bit, not by miles but I don’t feel as downhearted as I did this morning. Perhaps I should have just written as I felt instead of reviewing my old posts, I am sure the outcome would have been very different. I wasn’t looking for inspiration from my old post, in fact, I didn’t realise how cheery they are until I read them today through gloomy eyes; I was simply trying to navigate the constantly changing blog site.

It doesn’t help that I am aching all over, as a result of an impending cold/man flu, or maybe it is as a result of sharing my bed with my two growing sons, who are the worst bedfellows in the world; I spend all night getting them off me, recovering the covers and generally not getting a lot of sleep. I am also nursing a sore throat. Since I have a very low pain threshold , I don’t do very well when I am ill, coupled with the really crappy last few days I have had and the cold grey and muddy weather, I feel pretty sh*t and that is putting it lightly.

I was going to spew negative, self pitying sentiments but I don’t feel as pathetic as I did earlier. This is partly as a result of watching a bit of tennis, the only sport I can get stuck into and it always brings out the cheerleader (or tennis thug maybe) in me. All the fist pumping and screaming, coupled with a very serious juvenile crush on one of the leading men, I was as right as rain before even embarking on anything remotely melancholic. But I will try none the less because I have had this idea stuck in my head for a while now.

I had seen a Hollywood movie the other day with the kids; I mention it is Hollywood because not a lot of religious material comes from that direction. To be fair, it was meant to be one of these inspirational things but was deeply rooted in the Christian beliefs and quoted a particular scripture from the bible. I suppose Hollywood would produce anything if it meant somebody somewhere stood to gain something out of it, and so far, or at least at the time the movie was made, it wasn’t (yet) politically incorrect.

The movie involved the main character saying a seemingly simple prayer one night after gentle ribbing from his wife; and who knew, God was listening. The very next day, the answer to his prayer started in full force. I say started as it was not answered straight away; it has to make sense to the requester I suppose and since an immediate response would go largely unnoticed, it has to work itself out. First lesson here is that nothing good comes easy.

A series of events followed that left the poor main character desperately confused. And when he eventually got to grips with everything that was happening, he was completely out of sync with his friends, family, employers and co workers. Confusion ensued as is to be expected with these things to mostly comedic effects.

The part that got to me was where the wife of the leading character had had enough of his bizarre behaviour and decided to take the kids to her mom while her bewildered hubby tried to sort himself out. On their way, they stopped at a diner for lunch and while there, she met with God, who her husband was now in regular contact with. It may have been far easier for God to tell her exactly what was going on, but perhaps she would not have believed him, instead, he asked her what was wrong and emphasised with her. He told her if she prayed to be closer as a family, how did she think God would answer her prayer, certainly not in the way she expected. Isn’t it more likely the family would go through something together that would bring them closer together? At this, she turned the car around and took the kids back home to start being the closer family unit that they had now become as a result of recent events

All the confusion was a means to an end, and the end for these characters was that all their prayers were answered (note: none of them prayed for material things) but not in the way any of them expected. Sometimes, what we expect is not always what we get; and what we get is not what we always expect. The adversity makes the victory more meaningful and far more appreciated. So are we to embrace hardship? Maybe, because as they say what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Year of the Dragon

It is the Chinese New Year; the Year of the Dragon specifically. Without giving away my age, it is my year again as I was born in the Year of the Dragon. It seems to make sense really. I have had a good feeling for a long time now and all signs point to things coming to a head in February. It could be wishful thinking, it could be a gut feel, certainly, there is no reason to it. The past few weeks have seen a lull in this abundant optimism but hope still burns bright.

In Eastern philosophy, the Dragon is said to be a deliverer of good fortune and a master of authority. Therefore, those people born in Dragon years are to be honoured and respected. One website states “...Because they are confident, fearless in the face of challenge, they are almost inevitably successful...” well I am most certainly confident, definitely fearless to new challenges so it should follow that I should be accomplished. It also says Dragons are conceited, again not far wrong. No ying without a yang I suppose.

So anyway, all the planets seem to be aligning to the right positions, waiting for the greatness to strike, and strike it will. Here’s hoping for really big things in 2012

Happy New 2012

Compared to last year, this year has kicked off to a great start, I think. It at least ended well. This time last year was a dark and confusing time, everything seemed to unravel and not just for me, everyone around me was unravelling as well; friends, family, the economy. And the year continued in that vein with more bad news and confusion. But so far, this year, everything seems to have been sorted out. Some of the losses have been replaced; the confusion and the darkness have been replaced with surety and laughter. Things seem to be clicking for everyone and that makes it even more pleasing.

Even in the depths of it all last year, I had a quiet confidence which has grown and grown, sometimes scarily so. My mother called on New Year’s Day with her usual prayer and blessing for all her kids and grandkids which just reinforced what I have been feeling all along. She said everything I felt in the usual mumsy way, “it will all be well this year, all the blessings we missed out on last year will be manifested this year...” and so on and so forth. Where normally there would have been a lot of eye rolling, I was deeply moved by it all.

Perhaps it is a sign that I am getting closer in age to her (and I am actually) that I am beginning to appreciate all things “older and wiser”. I too blessed my children at the turn of midnight. We were up counting down as there was nothing else to do, the kids were beside themselves with excitement and I am not quite sure why. (I tend to get very euphoric myself on New Year’s Eve; I clean the house to get rid of any dirt before the dawn of a whole new year, especially the kitchen. In my mind, a clean house at the start of the year means a clean house ALL year. And if not, at least I can take it easy on New Year’s Day, with all the chores already taken care of, which is exactly what I did.) Anyway, as we cheered and hugged and watched fireworks (on TV no less), I whispered blessings for prosperity for the year ahead for the pair of them, what greater gift can a parent bestow upon their child after all. And most of all, I believed it with all my heart.

I do believe that if you want something, with all of your heart, it will come to you. So it will be well in 2012, I am certain of it.